Becoming Sarah

This is a post I've been working on as I've had moments to spare to work on it. This story is something that has shaped me and continues to even now and for who knows how much longer! For starters, if you don't know how Isaac got his name, I told the story here. That's some background to why (parts of) this story is (are) relevant.

When I was about 6 months pregnant with Neena, I found out Chad (my husband) & I were both carriers for Cystic Fibrosis. I was 22 years old. First baby. Had a perfect pregnancy up to this point. We learned our baby (& each child we would have in the future) had a one in four chance of having a disease that would necessitate daily therapy, more than likely regular hospitalizations, possible infertility, and a shortened life expectancy (to name a few of MANY symptoms/results). Our world was turned upside down.

The Dr's wanted to induce Neena to reduce the chances of her passing her meconium in utero & asperating it at birth, which would give an opportunity for her to catch pneumonia. So we did. (She DID pass her meconium but did not ingest it & it wasn't a big deal; chose to have Isaac naturally after this.) She was, however, a "spit-up" baby. And it scared me to death. I was literally sick to my stomach. I had dreams that men with knives were trying to get us. I was afraid every time she cried & fed her just in case her body wasn't applying the nutrients. I didn't know what babies were like! She was 5 months old when we had her DNA tested & found out she did NOT have it but was a carrier.

And at that time, I determined that I may not be able to handle going through that again. I told God that unless He gave me an overwhelming PEACE and DESIRE to have another baby, I would determine to be happy with just one. I was worried that having another baby, considering our situation, would be selfish of me. That people would look at me like I was crazy for having another child.

I had a few bad moments about wanting to get pregnant again and being uncertain along the way. But for the most part, Chad & I just enjoyed letting Neena be the baby & watching her grow. I really couldn't imagine 2 kids during this time. 3 years and 2 months passed. And then, as surely as the fear of CF was there, it vanished. November 2007. I was even on the pill & stopped mid-month! Literally, I just felt peaceful about having another baby. We began planning when we would get pregnant & decided, based on our health insurance & expenses we would have, to get pregnant early summer & have the baby in early 2009. We got pregnant in May & were due in February. It was a blessing to get pregnant on our "first try"--if it had taken a long time in our circumstances** I would have felt that God was saying it was not His will for us to have another child.

**I stress "in our circumstances" b/c I don't think that's true as a rule; I totally believe God uses fertility treatments & allows couples to have difficulty getting pregnant even when it's His perfect will that they conceive. I would have struggled with that in our situation b/c I wondered if God allowed us these circumstances as a way to close the door for us on more kids. And while I'm rambling about this, I'll explain even further...I believe God uses circumstances to speak to us but moreso, I believe you should trust your heart's desires as long as they line up with His word when trying to discern His will over circumstances.

I had the most wonderful pregnancy. I did have a few nagging side effects toward the end of it but I enjoyed EVERY minute. I didn't worry about CF. I embraced every minute of snuggling my baby & not sharing him with anyone, lol. I felt cute for pregnant & enjoyed getting dressed up. I knew it was my last pregnancy & wanted to take it all in! I praise God for an amazing 9+ months!

So then our due date came and went & God opened the door so that my brother could be in town the week we were due. Extra blessings!!!! I set up an induction date for the evening of Feb 26th but did EVERYTHING I could think of to go into labor naturally. It worked! Went into labor the evening of Feb 25th & had him at 9:28 the following morning :) I had him naturally--NO MEDS--and LOVED the experience. I still can't believe it. And I still feel like I could take on the world after accomplishing it! But I'm dragging this out now...

Anyway, after he was born, he seemed completely healthy. No spit-up. Nursed like he'd been doing it for years, lol. Gained weight. Slept well. Etc. Then the Dr. mentioned something about making sure his poo was "seedy." I watched. Just water. Water with goo if I'm being direct. And suddenly he had a CF symptom. And immediately his name yet again had a significant meaning to me. I felt like CF would literally be the death of him (albeit years away) unless God provided another cause for the symptom as He provided another sacrifice for Abraham.

I mentioned earlier that I was worried about what people would think of us choosing to get pregnant knowing the odds of CF. Well, during our pregnancy God called Chad & I to a new church. I didn't want to tell them about us being carriers. About Isaac's chance for CF. 2 main reasons: I didn't want them to think we were selfish or crazy for getting pregnant with those odds. And I felt like it was our burden to carry since it was our choice to get pregnant. I felt like prayers were irrelevant b/c we knew the odds when we got pregnant & the decision was made, whether we liked it or not.

Then I went to church one week (Isaac was 4 wks, I think; maybe 3). I just couldn't handle being home that day. I was worrying sick over it & I just really needed some support. And Gary preached about being "in the dip." About how you're going along in your walk with God & something comes & causes you to sin or stumble. He said sometimes it's a "God-dip"--not something you caused--just "life." And that was me. I was struggling with worry & I was being selfish about it. I felt like I had to carry the burden alone. So...I confessed our circumstances. I know it sounds like such a small thing. But it was hard. And then it was liberating. And God used His earthly body to love on me & bless & encourage me.

April 13th we found out the loose stool had no fats in it & the Dr. reconfirmed his newborn screening was negative and that was confirmation that he does NOT have CF. I look at my children every day aware of how blessed we are. I am so thankful. We still don't know what is causing his loose stool. We're working on that now. But in light of CF, nothing sounds scary :)

In Nov 2007, I felt like God gave me the promise of a child. I asked for a healthy boy. He gave me one. I feel like God pressed me, showing us a girl then revealing he was really a boy later on. And again when I was so afraid the symptoms were showing CF. I continually give my children back to God in my heart. I thank Him that He lets me take care of HIS children here on earth. I wonder what I have done to deserve 2 healthy children. The truth is I don't. But I strive every day to show them their Heavenly Father. Often times it's from MY mistakes but even then it's an opportunity to teach them (Neena) about God's grace! I don't know what Sarah went through when Abraham took Isaac to offer the sacrifice. But I believe in the promise God gave me, just like He promised her a child in her old age & that He gave us the name Isaac to teach us about loving God above everything and everyone else & trusting Him even when it's tough to understand what He's doing.