Special Weekend =)

This weekend I had a girls' retreat with my church. A much needed time for us to just get to know each other a little better & focus on our sweet Father. And Neena & Chad got to have a Daddy-Daughter sleepover. Then, tonight Corey & Brittany & all their kiddos came over & we cooked out & then made s'mores. (I say "we" made s'mores. All the grown-ups & C&B's kids ate s'mores; Neena just swung on the swing & ran around (barefooted & short-sleeved). They make it look so easy. Haha!)

I am pretty sleepy but I have to say--this retreat was so refreshing for me. So much more than I expected. I just love the ladies at my church. We had three Bible Study times, "Blessed," "Test," & "Rest." During the "Test" study, we learned about why we are tested but mostly about how our tests affect our testimony. Debra told us to remember, "TEST--I'M--ON--whY?" Then she gave us a test about our most recent "test." I realized at that point I hadn't really taken time to STOP & thank the Lord & reflect, relish, & cherish what the Lord has done for me and our pregnancy. There is a reason for that. I don't think I've talked with you all (depending on the reader) about my anxiety--more about that later. For now, just know that I have been afraid that if I stop long enough to think about all that is going on that I will get fearful of the odds of CF. I am peacful. I am soo thankful for that. And I cope with my anxiety by trusting that peace a lot, not stopping to think too deeply. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now; I'm so tired. But I realized when I stopped to think today just how joyful, peaceful, & thankful I was. Not fearful. And I wanted to cry out to God to thank Him. Because He has given me a son! There were so many times I thought this would never happen to me. Which is also part of the reason the name we have picked out is just perfect.

I'll keep you waiting on that till we're 100% sure & till I'm a little perkier, hehe; I've only got one eye open I'm so tired.

Addition to answer my brother's questions:
We learned that the either Latin or Greek--can't remember--form of the word "Test" is "Testa" which is an earthen vessel that is used to refine gold & other precious metals. She taught us that the the refiner would cast the vessel with the gold in it at the top of the fire first & then the bigger impurities would come to the top. The refiner would draw off the impurities & eventually they would put it to the hottest part of the fire to get out the deepest & finest impurities but that if they left it in one degree too hot, that it would ruin the entire batch. The refiner knows how long to leave it to draw out the impurities without damaging the gold.

Then we talked about how this is the way the Lord uses tests in our lives. We learned how tests are important to clean out the sin in our lives & draw us close to the Lord. It's like the "Sermon on the Mount," when Jesus teaches us about "Blessed are those who..." (Matthew 5, I think) and that those Jesus speaks of are blessed because they learn to trust in the Lord & to have more of Him, less of themselves, etc. I never understood why Jesus would say that until Jamie preached on it, specifically. Thank you, Lord, for putting it to me in a way I could get it.

And the test we took on "Tests" was to help us see what we learned from the last test we had had of our faith, to see what we learned about the Lord and about ourselves. To me, the bigger tests are easier...it's the day-to-day attitude & such that challenge me, like not reminding the other drivers around me how to drive or not making a frustration face or worse, remark, when Neena spills something or disobeys. Those are the big struggles that I tend to lose. I struggle a lot with feeling like a child of God. I constantly try to earn His love & grace rather than receive it and the consequences are a really poor self-image, low self-worth, & lack of confidence. Having time to focus on the big picture--not just the perspective I have of me, of God, & of life--is priceless to me. I feel loved, forgiven, thankful, & like I'm on God's team. I'm going to strive to be more aware of the truths I'm believeing vs. lies & bookmark this moment in my mind so that I can come back when I struggle with the same thing, remembering what I learned & all I experienced with my Savior.